Behind it all.

Here it is,

For my family, friends and to anyone I may have crossed paths with.

I haven't written for awhile now, i've barely shot a photograph, I've struggled to commit to skateboarding and society (despite the fact you may have seen me out and about) and worst of all I am losing what seemed to be my core.

My happiness, the sheer basis of what I believe people have been attracted to through my life. I've always told everyone and anyone around me 'keep smiling, keep laughing' or 'don't worry' all I ever wanted was to see people happy and succeeding around me. I am 26 years of age and some how I have managed to buzz off the happiness of others and how they've succeeded since a very young age but as of lately all I do is fight with my own darkness inside my mind.

Struggling to understand any type of mental issues growing up would be an understatement, all I've ever known is to be happy and to smile. Now I'm spending everyday inside my own mind questioning where I've gone wrong? I don't want this to be a burden on anyone but more importantly how could I let this happen to 'the kid who strokes butterflies he's that happy'.

To express my thoughts I'm currently listening to one of Chopin's 60 minute pieces of classical piano, any of you that may read this and 'know me' will probably never have known I love classical music. I hide certain loves, emotions and memories to protect myself but the classical music and jazz on occasions remind me of everything that is happening in my head. I almost feel safe.

Whats happened?

Whys it happening?

How can I free myself?

These are the questions constantly running around my head. I've had it all in my lifetime, seen enough of the world, have an amazing family, partied with some of the greatest people, loved some of the greatest women, listened to the greatest music, photographed great memories, worked great jobs/careers... Yet I've blown it all, I feel as if I have nothing left from this list except a voice in my mind repeating the above questions.

I despise the ideology of mental illness, yet I'm secretly fighting it as I type only to realise its more then real. I am your typical 'no no I'm fine don't worry' and 'everything will be fine' type of guy, the thought of someone worrying over me is crazy, so of course I mask it. I've confided in friends over the matter that I'm 'loosing my mind' I feel as if even the closest cannot help me because of how far I've hidden this behind my humour for what could've been years. (Thanks for being there).

My only description on how I'm feeling, imagine a photograph of everything you've achieved and loved an then watching it piece by piece start to vanish from the page and leaving you questioning why its disappeared or why can I not keep going with my picture. I feel as if I'm struggling with the modern world almost because of the lack of realism, creatives, influences and sheer ignorance with technology to any such love toward art, real music and of course people with real beliefs. Please do bare in mind this is all inside my head day in and day out. It crushes me, because of how obsessed I am with creativity in all subjects.

I wish I could write all my thoughts, I wish I had all the answers for the others who have questions but I honestly can't.

Thanks to any one who's ever been there, yes buying beers counts. (humour)